


better this way

by iwritetrash



Series: be all my sins remembered [2]
Category: Victoria (TV)
Genre: "Platonic" sleeping together, Accidental Falling In Love, Alfred is the Other Woman, Angst, Difficult Decisions, Extramarital Affairs, Friends With Benefits, Infidelity, M/M, Smoking, Unhappy Marriage (implied)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-12 09:08:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13544166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwritetrash/pseuds/iwritetrash
Summary: edward has a decision to make





	better this way

**Author's Note:**

> uhhhh okay so this was interesting to write bc generally i hate the idea of extramarital affairs but i kinda already wrote it and this idea was calling to me and i wanted to look at things from edward's perspective so i wrote a kind-of-sequel to more than friends and i may or may not be thinking about part 3 already, although i haven't decided yet whether or not to give it a happy ending...
> 
> anyway uhhh i hope you like this? i'm not great with a series that actually has an evolving plot, unlike all that lives must die, but i've decided to give it a go!

Edward is not proud of himself; he had always believed himself to be a good man, and an honest one too, and yet here he is, cheating on his wife with a man he’s known for long enough that he hardly remembers his life without him. Perhaps this is the man politics has forced him to become, putting on a mask and pretending to everyone, even the people he holds dearest, that everything is perfect. To Florence, he must play the role of dutiful, loving husband, while to Alfred he must play the best friend, interested only in sex, because any romantic notions might crush their already-fragile relationship.

There is not a soul on earth with whom he can be truly honest.

Florence deserves better, of that Edward is quite sure, and Alfred too, and yet Edward cannot bring himself to give either of them up. To end things with Florence would be to destroy his carefully crafted public image and potentially ruin his career. To end things with Alfred could result in a multitude of catastrophes; he would certainly lose Alfred as a lover, but perhaps also as a friend. Edward is not sure he could cope.

The thing is, he has fallen accidentally-in-love with Alfred over these past years, since before he was married, in fact, and yet he had made himself play the role he thought he needed to, and now look at the mess he’s in. He only sees the man he loves in shitty hotel rooms, and he can’t hold him too long in case he accidentally reveals his feelings and complicates the situation further, and he has to look Florence in the eye and know he’s never loved her a day in his life, and he has to climb into bed next to her and hope she doesn’t guess where he’s been. 

All of this runs through his mind every time he drives out to meet Alfred at the hotel they usually visit. 

When he arrives, Alfred is usually by the window smoking, deep in thought, and Edward wonders sometimes if Alfred is thinking the same things as him, if he feels the same way. He doesn’t ask. He doesn’t really want to know. But sometimes when Alfred turns, Edward can see the melancholy there in his eyes; this affair is hurting him, and Edward hates it.

It’s at that point that Edward decides he has to choose; he can’t keep sleeping with Alfred and knowing that all it does is hurt them both, and he can’t keep lying to Florence’s face.

So, option one: divorce Florence, break her heart, potentially ruin his career by doing so, especially for a man, be happy with Alfred, and be able to wake up next to him every morning and hold him for as long as he wants.

Option two: end things with Alfred, break _his_ heart, potentially lose his best friend, protect his career, stay married to Florence, have kids, be a successful politician and a good husband.

Neither option particularly appeals to him. Perhaps if he had a friend to talk to about things like this… but Alfred is all he has, and he was all Edward ever needed before this, and _dammit, this is why you’re not supposed to sleep with your friends_.

Not even his moral compass can guide him through this one, because there are so many variables he can’t even begin to fathom, and, whatever he chooses, somebody’s heart gets broken, and probably his own as well. His head wars against his heart, logic battling love as he drives to meet Alfred for possibly the last time. Whatever happens in that hotel room tonight, he and Alfred will not be visiting again.

Edward still hasn’t made up his mind until he walks into the room and sees Alfred, standing by the window, smoking a cigarette, looking sadder than ever. _I can’t do this anymore_ , Edward thinks, and before Alfred can even turn around Edward is blurting out that maybe they should run away together. 

Alfred stares at him, in shock for a moment, and Edward wonders why he isn’t elated, and perhaps he read all the signals wrong, and perhaps this isn’t what Alfred wants. He’s about to speak again when Alfred cuts him off, his voice surprisingly calm.

They can’t run away together, he says, because Edward has a life here, and a career, and a wife, and he has worked too _damn hard_ to get to where he is now just to give that up for a boy. Alfred’s words are like a kick in the gut, but there’s a small hint of relief in the back of Edward’s mind that tells him maybe that’s a good thing. The decision is out of his hands now.

Alfred decides to end things between them, and he doesn’t even let Edward suggest that they go back to being friends before he tells him that things can’t go back to the way they were. Before either of them can second-guess themselves, Alfred is admitting that he’s in love with him, that he always has been, and that they have to end this completely, because Alfred can’t bear to put himself through it anymore. 

 _I’m done_ , his words seem to echo around the room, and Edward stands there in shock, trying to let Alfred’s words sink in. He should have known this was coming, he tells himself. He should have known, because he has always known Alfred was in love with him, and maybe he enjoyed it in some sick way, but it would always have led to this ending, no matter what he did.

Edward wants to convince Alfred change his mind, to kiss Alfred and then ride off into the sunset in his car with the windows rolled down and just disappear forever, but he is no longer an impulsive teenager, he reminds himself, and there is too much at stake here; Alfred has made his decision, and Edward refuses to subject him to any more heartbreak, so he must let him go. 

The last thing Alfred says before Edward leaves is that maybe it’s better this way.

He doesn’t cry until he is back inside his car, because maybe it’s better that Alfred doesn’t see; he knows, in his heart of hearts, that what Alfred has chosen is the smart choice, and the successful man’s choice, but dammit Edward has been following his head for so long and when he finally listened to his heart his lover drowned it out and pushed him back the other way.

Again and again and again, Edward tells himself it’s better this way, and hears Alfred’s voice in his head as he does, as he drives home and climbs into bed with his wife and kisses her cheek when she stirs and tells her he went out for drinks with some of his friends. He tells himself it’s better this way when he deletes his text messages to Alfred, and begins the slow process of erasing him from his life. He tells himself it’s better this way when he bumps into Alfred at a café they both frequent and has to force himself to turn around and leave.

When he was younger and still new to politics, he would have swept Alfred off his feet and eloped with him to some far-off place without a second thought, and he wouldn’t have taken no for an answer, and yet now… now he’s not so impulsive, and he’s a little more cautious, and he couldn’t honestly say that he believed it to be a virtue any more. It had cost him his best friend and his lover, and hadn’t brought any happiness to anyone yet.

 _It’s better this way, though_ , he tells himself. _It will be better_.  

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading<3


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